How to Let Go of the Blocks to Healthy Relationships, Intimacy and Love.
Virginia Satir was widely known as the ‘mother of family therapy’. Her work was revolutionary in so many ways. Working from the 1950’s onwards, she was a psychotherapist who was a pioneer in family therapy and relationships. One of the first therapists who believed that the presenting problem was rarely the issue, she first focused instead on what was really going on deeper under the surface for her clients. Much of my training as a Cognitive Hypnotherapist and NLP master practitioner stems from her original work.
It is those deeper unconscious drivers that ripple under the surface of a person’s experience that impact everything we do and in every way we relate. And yes, it is most common for people to present with the surface issues that they are experiencing because those are the ones we see. But as much as those unconscious patterns can help us, they can also hinder what it is we consciously want to achieve, who we are and how we relate to the world around us. In short – they stop us from loving without clutching, appreciating without judging, joining without invading, etc.
It is in childhood that we develop our own particular set of unconscious patterns, and then we add to them and carry them with us throughout life. But they are elusive demons and angels – they are masked to us by layers of ‘shell’ that we develop to get by. It’s tricky stuff!
So let’s take a moment to think about you and your relationships. What is it that you see happening that you would like to change and what could be the deeper issue that’s actually happening? What is it that by it being brought into your awareness and let go of could really make the difference in your life and in your loves and let you meet your partner in a beautiful, open, healthy way?
“I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other.” ~Virginia Satir
When we recognise and become free of the under-the-surface patterns we then have the opportunity to relate in a beautiful, healthy way. To truly ‘meet’ the other rather than trying to get any needs met through them. Do you blame, accuse, point the finger towards the other? Do you feel guilt, shame, hurt? Perhaps you aren’t having the sex you would like and see it’s their fault, maybe you are feeling put-upon or nagged, maybe you are wanting more freedom, perhaps you have a deeper longing to feel loved, is it that you crave a deeper intimacy, or perhaps you aren’t attracting a partner at all. Or maybe something else?
Have a think about it: what behaviours are you presenting on the surface of your relationships that are masking other needs and desires and shielding unresolved unconscious patterns? What is it that you hold on an unconscious level that is getting in the way of healthy relating? For some of my clients, these things show themselves as getting angry or arguing about things that your partner does or doesn’t do, for others it’s demanding more time, love or attention than your partner is willing to give or exhibiting avoidant behaviours yourself, for some it can be blaming. If you were to dig deeper what would be the belief or fear that drives the behaviours that get in the way of you having richer, more healthy loving relationships?
Take a moment to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Then slowly read these statements and feel into them. Allow your body and mind to rest with each one. What happens? It is neutral, or does something happen for you as you dive into the statement? Allow any feelings, thoughts and memories to come up. You will know if they apply to you as you’ll have some kind of reaction. It might be identification, a strong feeling or even a strong resistance. Both are good information. Both can be indicators that there is something here for you to resolve.
- I’m not good enough.
- I don’t deserve to be loved.
- I’m not worthy of attention.
- Happy, healthy relationships are for others, not me.
- People leave.
- Love means… (feeling unsafe, losing yourself, etc.)
- Sex, and desire is bad/wrong/unacceptable etc.
- Intimacy is unsafe
What happened for you? Perhaps write it down. Spend some time with the experience. Without judgment, just observe. And feel free to send me your thoughts and feelings on what came up. it can be useful to share your experience. You can drop me a line here.
Remember that all hold limiting beliefs like these. If you identify with the above you certainly are not alone. The secret formula is just to a) Know that it is these that we need to bring awareness to most of all. These are the roots of the tree that by them changing will allow fresh new shoots and leaves to bloom and healthier relating to begin. And b) That once they are clear you can begin to create new positive behaviours and experiences that will make the difference to how you relate to your intimate partners.
It’s amazing how a person can express a desire to connect with another but have a whole heap of stuff under the surface that will be getting in the way of them creating what they say they want. But the good news is that there’s lots that can be done.
Most often people approach relationships from a default position, just reacting to what is happening around them and exhibiting behaviours and patterns of relating that maybe they wouldn’t choose or desire to have in place. This way of being can often be incredibly painful and lead to relationship breakdowns. The alternative is to bring attention to what is actually happening and live to a more created path.
If this resonates with you at all then do know that there is a way through. Cognitive hypnotherapy is an incredible way to shift these things as is movement, breath-work and deep embodiment practices. I use all these together with deep coaching to help my clients create radical shifts in their lives and in their relationships It’s exciting stuff! From this autumn, Yaron Engler and I will be leading an incredible 6-month programme based here in London where we will be supporting 12 men and women on a journey of exploration and freedom around these things and more. If this calls to do consider coming to join us. It will be a fun and exciting journey and could just be life-changing for those who come for the ride.
We are now taking applications for ‘Me. You. Us. – a journey into relationships, intimacy, and love’. If you are interested in applying just click on the link below and send us a message.
And if you’d like to know more about one-t0-one Coaching and/or Cognitive Hypnotherapy just click on this link to send a direct message to me and we can create a time to have a conversation.
Please feel free to share this with anyone you feel may benefit. Healthy relating = Happy living. Give the gift of that to yourself and to others today.
With inspired love,